Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
