The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Randomize
