Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
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I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
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I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
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