He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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