Got a toothbrush?
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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