Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Randomize
