Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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