I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Randomize
