nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
