omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
