I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
