taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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