her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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