I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
