omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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