Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
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