i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
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