I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Randomize
