i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.