I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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