she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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