That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
