I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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