Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Randomize
