afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
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They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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