The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
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