You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.