she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Randomize
