Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
then he tried to convert me to islam
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
