I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
