Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
