Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
My liver just had a heart attack.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
Randomize
