Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
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