last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
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he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
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