i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize
