Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Randomize
