so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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