i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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