he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
The air was thick with penises
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
