the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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