dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
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