my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
