I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
