i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
