Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
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