your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
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Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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