do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
Randomize
