once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
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