He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
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