I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
