I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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