Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Randomize
