I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
