Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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